No Valediction
Graphic by: Anna Gruben
I could feel my blood pulsing through me, as though I was running. Why? I couldn’t remember much of how I got here. Just that there were now three blurred people standing around me, while I lay motionless.
One of them was screaming and crying hysterically, their voices made my ears bleed. I wanted it to stop, for all of it to stop. I felt dizzy and heavy. Why can’t I lift my head? My eyes trailed down to my fingers, I demanded them to move, and nothing again.
A face bent over me, and I felt water splash my skin. My eyes began to focus on the figure. Her black hair covered a bruised, red face. She had a pointy nose and her grassy eyes were wet with tears. Mom. My mind wandered, if I could I would’ve scrunched my face. I know it. Mom always made fun of me when I did that to concentrate, even though she did it too.
My mind was bombarded with images: a dark road, my mom laughing, bright lights, light music, the blare of a semi, darkness, pain. I guess I know where she got those bruises from, but why can’t I move? Am I in shock?
I let my eyes wander down my body, I don’t feel hurt, I don’t feel anything. That’s good, right? That didn’t stop the wailing of my mother, other cars, sirens? I hope her car isn’t totaled. Soon I saw harsh red and blue lights, flashing against the black night.
Hardly any stars tonight, guess I was the only one. If I could I would’ve let out a laugh, but I still can't move. My mom called me her star, I always knew why, but I pretended not to. It was more fun that way, when she gave me a secret smile because she thought I didn’t know. Who doesn’t know the meaning of their own name? With how much she calls me her star, how could I forget?
“Dao, ple-please, you have to stay here,” she sobbed. “Stay with me my star, please.”
I wanted to stay, I don’t know what she was talking about, who would take me? Why would I leave? My eyes grew heavy and I wanted to close them, that's when the shouting started, “No, no, Dao. keep your eyes open. You can’t sleep.”
Quickly I shot my eyes open, even though everything was blurry. How strange, she’s never yelled at me to stay awake like this before. People with strange clothes on were pulling me onto a little cott, one that they could carry into the long car they brought with them, it kind of looked like a white box.
“Female, 12 - paralyzed,” their voices cut in and out as I waved in and out of consciousness. I’ve heard that word before, paralyzed. I can’t recall exactly what it means though. They put a clear mask over my nose and mouth, I think they said it would help me breathe.
I let my body relax, I was so tired. That's when the shock hit me. It jerked my body and I spasmed, the contents of my stomach were up in a whirl. Tears fled out of the corner of my eyes, I just wanted it to stop, all of this to stop. My heart hammered through my chest. I was sure the medics could see it.
“Stable!” one of them shouted, the hair on the back of my neck stood and I groaned. They wouldn’t let me relax, wouldn’t let me sleep.
I tried to fall asleep again, but a different person came over and started to hit my chest, hard and repeatedly. My eyes darted around the vehicle searching for a familiar face, but not finding one.
I must have blacked out because the next thing I knew I was in a room, full of white and bare walls. Something was attached to my arms and connected to a machine that was beeping, how annoying. How was I supposed to get any sleep in here?
I swore I only shut my eyes for a second, but now my mom was here, standing in front of me clear as day. She must have noticed I was looking at her because she walked over to me and sat on the bed.
“Dao? Are you awake?” I tried to answer but my mouth didn’t move. “That’s okay, you don’t have to talk, can you nod your head?” I tried, I swear I did, but when I looked at my mom her lips were pulled in a frown. “Don’t worry, you’ll be okay. This is just temporary.”
I wanted to tell her that I know, she says that too much. Still not even a puff of air escaped my lips. I grew exhausted again, trying to talk, to move, to be conscious so I let the darkness claim me.
When I opened my eyes my mom was sitting in a chair beside my bed, sleeping. I smiled, I think, then relaxed my shoulders.
Beeping machines, why wont they let me sleep? Five doctors crowded around my bed passing things and looking down at me. The machine next to me beeped slowly, I felt sick. I watched with lidded eyes as a man in a white coat held two paddles in his hands, and not the kind for a canoe.
He leaned over me and placed them on my chest. I held my breath til the shock came again like it did last time. A buzzing noise, then, nothing. His eyes were covered by his brows. Again a buzz then, nothing.
Ha, I wanted to shout, I’m immune now! Chaos erupted around me and I heard a familiar voice shouting and crying hysterically. I wanted to tell her so bad not to worry about me anymore.
Next to me the machine made one long, consecutive beep.
“Time of death, 2:39 am.” One of the white coats said.
Pain and grief lowered the heart of Daos’ mother. She gripped the wall trying to stay steady in her world wiring into the abyss. Screams clawed their way out of her throat and she was falling. Whispers of denial left her crumpled on the floor.
She was fine, she thought, she was just here yesterday.
Dazed, she watched as the doctors began putting all of their tools away. Daos chest ceased to rise or fall. She began gritting her teeth, she wanted to shout, no please, you can't give up on her, please. She couldn’t move, and didn’t want to.
They combed back Daos black hair which was sticking to her face and neck. They forced shut her green eyes. Tugging her limbs every which way like a child trying to keep a doll straight. She watched with shallow breaths, and let grief consume her.